QuotesTemple

I'm at the age where food has taken the place of sex in my life. In fact, I've just had a mirror put over my kitchen table.

Rodney Dangerfield

With my wife I don't get no respect. I made a toast on her birthday to 'the best woman a man ever had.' The waiter joined me.

Rodney Dangerfield

With my wife I don't get no respect. I made a toast on her birthday to 'the best woman a man ever had.' The waiter joined me.

Rodney Dangerfield

My wife wants sex in the back of the car and she wants me to drive.

Rodney Dangerfield

I looked up my family tree and found three dogs using it.

Rodney Dangerfield

I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.

Rodney Dangerfield

I'm at the age where food has taken the place of sex in my life. In fact, I've just had a mirror put over my kitchen table.

Rodney Dangerfield

I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people.

Rodney Dangerfield

I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her.

Rodney Dangerfield

I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.

Rodney Dangerfield

Yeah, I know I'm ugly... I said to a bartender, 'Make me a zombie.' He said 'God beat me to it.'

Rodney Dangerfield

I have good looking kids. Thank goodness my wife cheats on me.

Rodney Dangerfield

A girl phoned me the other day and said... 'Come on over, there's nobody home.' I went over. Nobody was home.

Rodney Dangerfield

My wife met me at the door the other night in a sexy negligee. Unfortunately, she was just coming home.

Rodney Dangerfield

At twenty a man is full of fight and hope. He wants to reform the world. When he is seventy he still wants to reform the world, but he know he can't.

Rodney Dangerfield

My wife's jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day she looked at my calendar and wanted to know who May was.

Rodney Dangerfield

I'm at the age where food has taken the place of sex in my life. In fact, I've just had a mirror put over my kitchen table.

Rodney Dangerfield

It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass.

Rodney Dangerfield

We sleep in separate rooms, we have dinner apart, we take separate vacations - we're doing everything we can to keep our marriage together.

Rodney Dangerfield

My marriage is on the rocks again, yeah, my wife just broke up with her boyfriend.

Rodney Dangerfield

When I was born I was so ugly the doctor slapped my mother.

Rodney Dangerfield

Men who do things without being told draw the most wages.

Rodney Dangerfield

This morning when I put on my underwear I could hear the fruit-of-the-loom guys laughing at me.

Rodney Dangerfield

My mother had morning sickness after I was born.

Rodney Dangerfield

I looked up my family tree and found three dogs using it.

Rodney Dangerfield

What a dog I got, his favorite bone is in my arm.

Rodney Dangerfield

I worked in a pet store and people would ask how big I would get.

Rodney Dangerfield

I get no respect. The way my luck is running, if I was a politician I would be honest.

Rodney Dangerfield

With my wife I don't get no respect. I made a toast on her birthday to 'the best woman a man ever had.' The waiter joined me.

Rodney Dangerfield

I went to a fight the other night, and a hockey game broke out.

Rodney Dangerfield

I drink too much. The last time I gave a urine sample it had an olive in it.

Rodney Dangerfield

I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.

Rodney Dangerfield

Acting deals with very delicate emotions. It is not putting up a mask. Each time an actor acts he does not hide he exposes himself.

Rodney Dangerfield

I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender.

Rodney Dangerfield