QuotesTemple

The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion or ethnic background, is that we all believe we are above-average drivers.

Dave Barry

The information encoded in your DNA determines your unique biological characteristics, such as sex, eye color, age and Social Security number.

Dave Barry

It was Public Art, defined as art that is purchased by experts who are not spending their own personal money.

Dave Barry

Camping is nature's way of promoting the motel business.

Dave Barry

Big business never pays a nickel in taxes, according to Ralph Nader, who represents a big consumer organization that never pays a nickel in taxes.

Dave Barry

Auto racing is boring except when a car is going at least 172 miles per hour upside down.

Dave Barry

Dogs feel very strongly that they should always go with you in the car, in case the need should arise for them to bark violently at nothing right in your ear.

Dave Barry

I want a pit crew... I hate the procedure I currently have to go through when I have car problems.

Dave Barry

The Internet is the most important single development in the history of human communication since the invention of call waiting.

Dave Barry

I am not the only person who uses his computer mainly for the purpose of diddling with his computer.

Dave Barry

The Internet: transforming society and shaping the future through chat.

Dave Barry

The simple truth is that balding African-American men look cool when they shave their heads, whereas balding white men look like giant thumbs.

Dave Barry

What I look forward to is continued immaturity followed by death.

Dave Barry

The leading cause of death among fashion models is falling through street grates.

Dave Barry

As a child, I was more afraid of tetanus shots than, for example, Dracula.

Dave Barry

Eating rice cakes is like chewing on a foam coffee cup, only less filling.

Dave Barry

It is a scientific fact that your body will not absorb cholesterol if you take it from another person's plate.

Dave Barry

The four building blocks of the universe are fire, water, gravel and vinyl.

Dave Barry

The Internet: transforming society and shaping the future through chat.

Dave Barry

I believe that we parents must encourage our children to become educated, so they can get into a good college that we cannot afford.

Dave Barry

The Internet is the most important single development in the history of human communication since the invention of call waiting.

Dave Barry

Life is anything that dies when you stomp on it.

Dave Barry

Guys are simple... women are not simple and they always assume that men must be just as complicated as they are, only way more mysterious. The whole point is guys are not thinking much. They are just what they appear to be. Tragically.

Dave Barry

It was Public Art, defined as art that is purchased by experts who are not spending their own personal money.

Dave Barry

Camping is nature's way of promoting the motel business.

Dave Barry

We'll try to cooperate fully with the IRS, because, as citizens, we feel a strong patriotic duty not to go to jail.

Dave Barry

Never assume that the guy understands that you and he have a relationship.

Dave Barry

The problem with writing about religion is that you run the risk of offending sincerely religious people, and then they come after you with machetes.

Dave Barry

The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion or ethnic background, is that we all believe we are above-average drivers.

Dave Barry

Hobbies of any kind are boring except to people who have the same hobby. This is also true of religion, although you will not find me saying so in print.

Dave Barry

I would not know how I am supposed to feel about many stories if not for the fact that the TV news personalities make sad faces for sad stories and happy faces for happy stories.

Dave Barry

The world is full of strange phenomena that cannot be explained by the laws of logic or science. Dennis Rodman is only one example.

Dave Barry

The Internet: transforming society and shaping the future through chat.

Dave Barry

Skiing combines outdoor fun with knocking down trees with your face.

Dave Barry

The problem with winter sports is that - follow me closely here - they generally take place in winter.

Dave Barry

Bill Gates is a very rich man today... and do you want to know why? The answer is one word: versions.

Dave Barry

The Internet is the most important single development in the history of human communication since the invention of call waiting.

Dave Barry

To an adolescent, there is nothing in the world more embarrassing than a parent.

Dave Barry

Your modern teenager is not about to listen to advice from an old person, defined as a person who remembers when there was no Velcro.

Dave Barry

Once again, we come to the Holiday Season, a deeply religious time that each of us observes, in his own way, by going to the mall of his choice.

Dave Barry

It always rains on tents. Rainstorms will travel thousands of miles, against prevailing winds for the opportunity to rain on a tent.

Dave Barry

The only kind of seafood I trust is the fish stick, a totally featureless fish that doesn't have eyeballs or fins.

Dave Barry

The simple truth is that balding African-American men look cool when they shave their heads, whereas balding white men look like giant thumbs.

Dave Barry

I have been a gigantic Rolling Stones fan since approximately the Spanish-American War.

Dave Barry

Guys are simple... women are not simple and they always assume that men must be just as complicated as they are, only way more mysterious. The whole point is guys are not thinking much. They are just what they appear to be. Tragically.

Dave Barry

Once again, we come to the Holiday Season, a deeply religious time that each of us observes, in his own way, by going to the mall of his choice.

Dave Barry

Geographically, Ireland is a medium-sized rural island that is slowly but steadily being consumed by sheep.

Dave Barry