QuotesTemple
Why is Cloud 9 so amazing? What is wrong with Cloud 8? That joke came off the top of my head, and the top of my head ain't funny!
Mitch Hedberg
I wanted to buy a candle holder, but the store didn't have one. So I got a cake.
Mitch Hedberg
I was at this casino minding my own business, and this guy came up to me and said, 'You're gonna have to move, you're blocking a fire exit.' As though if there was a fire, I wasn't gonna run. If you're flammible and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.
Mitch Hedberg
I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming.
Mitch Hedberg
Is a hippopotamus a hippopotamus, or just a really cool Opotamus?
Mitch Hedberg
I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.
Mitch Hedberg
I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're goin', and hook up with them later.
Mitch Hedberg
Fettucini alfredo is macaroni and cheese for adults.
Mitch Hedberg
My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.
Mitch Hedberg
A waffle is like a pancake with a syrup trap.
Mitch Hedberg
I drank some boiling water because I wanted to whistle.
Mitch Hedberg
I wear a necklace, cause I wanna know when I'm upside down.
Mitch Hedberg
This shirt is dry clean only. Which means... it's dirty.
Mitch Hedberg
Why is Cloud 9 so amazing? What is wrong with Cloud 8? That joke came off the top of my head, and the top of my head ain't funny!
Mitch Hedberg
All these jokes have been pre-approved as funny by me.
Mitch Hedberg
I had a stick of CareFree gum, but it didn't work. I felt pretty good while I was blowing that bubble, but as soon as the gum lost its flavor, I was back to pondering my mortality.
Mitch Hedberg
I like refried beans. That's why I wanna try fried beans, because maybe they're just as good and we're just wasting time. You don't have to fry them again after all.
Mitch Hedberg
The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.
Mitch Hedberg
I'd like to get four people who do cart wheels very good, and make a cart.
Mitch Hedberg
Rice is great if you're really hungry and want to eat two thousand of something.
Mitch Hedberg
I'm a heroine addict. I need to have sex with women who have saved someone's life.
Mitch Hedberg
I love blackjack. But I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi circle.
Mitch Hedberg
I recently took up ice sculpting. Last night I made an ice cube. This morning I made 12, I was prolific.
Mitch Hedberg
I like refried beans. That's why I wanna try fried beans, because maybe they're just as good and we're just wasting time. You don't have to fry them again after all.
Mitch Hedberg
Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I'm gonna go shave, too.'
Mitch Hedberg
Y'know, you can't please all the people all the time... and last night, all those people were at my show.
Mitch Hedberg
I'm a heroine addict. I need to have sex with women who have saved someone's life.
Mitch Hedberg
I had a stick of CareFree gum, but it didn't work. I felt pretty good while I was blowing that bubble, but as soon as the gum lost its flavor, I was back to pondering my mortality.
Mitch Hedberg
If my kid couldn't draw I'd make sure that my kitchen magnets didn't work.
Mitch Hedberg