QuotesTemple

How young can you die of old age?

Steven Wright

I remember when the candle shop burned down. Everyone stood around singing 'Happy Birthday.'

Steven Wright

For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier... I put them in the same room and let them fight it out.

Steven Wright

I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my brake lights. I hit the gas, people behind me stop, and I'm gone.

Steven Wright

I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I'm the only one moving.

Steven Wright

I had to stop driving my car for a while... the tires got dizzy.

Steven Wright

I have an answering machine in my car. It says, I'm home now. But leave a message and I'll call when I'm out.

Steven Wright

I had a friend who was a clown. When he died, all his friends went to the funeral in one car.

Steven Wright

I play the harmonica. The only way I can play is if I get my car going really fast, and stick it out the window.

Steven Wright

A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.

Steven Wright

I intend to live forever. So far, so good.

Steven Wright

I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done.

Steven Wright

What's another word for Thesaurus?

Steven Wright

I bought some batteries, but they weren't included.

Steven Wright

Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.

Steven Wright

I was a peripheral visionary. I could see the future, but only way off to the side.

Steven Wright

If God dropped acid, would he see people?

Steven Wright

I think God's going to come down and pull civilization over for speeding.

Steven Wright

I intend to live forever. So far, so good.

Steven Wright

When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, 'Did you sleep good?' I said 'No, I made a few mistakes.'

Steven Wright

Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.

Steven Wright

I have an answering machine in my car. It says, I'm home now. But leave a message and I'll call when I'm out.

Steven Wright

Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time.

Steven Wright

I busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get me five.

Steven Wright

Babies don't need a vacation, but I still see them at the beach... it pisses me off! I'll go over to a little baby and say 'What are you doing here? You haven't worked a day in your life!'

Steven Wright

I went to the bank and asked to borrow a cup of money. They said, 'What for?' I said, 'I'm going to buy some sugar.'

Steven Wright

When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, 'Did you sleep good?' I said 'No, I made a few mistakes.'

Steven Wright

I poured spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.

Steven Wright

My roommate got a pet elephant. Then it got lost. It's in the apartment somewhere.

Steven Wright

I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.

Steven Wright

There was a power outage at a department store yesterday. Twenty people were trapped on the escalators.

Steven Wright

When I die, I'm leaving my body to science fiction.

Steven Wright

Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time.

Steven Wright

I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time'. So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.

Steven Wright

I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.

Steven Wright

Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time.

Steven Wright

I bought some instant water one time but I didn't know what to add to it.

Steven Wright

I saw a bank that said '24 Hour Banking,' but I don't have that much time.

Steven Wright

I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the place.

Steven Wright